2013名师点拨雅思习作修改评分建议及改进策略.docVIP

名师点拨雅思习作修改、评分建议及改进策略 　　题目：It seems that with the increase in use of mobile phones and computers, fewer people prefer to write letters. Will letters disappear completely? 　　审题：本文可以看作是agree or disagree 类文章，要求考生能在开头段表明自己的立场。探讨的两个主题是：信件 VS手机电脑。 　　这篇习作的学生的写作框架是3773，观点是信不会被取代，中间写两段，第一段探讨手机电脑的两个好处，第二段探讨信的四个好处，最后总结信的优点多，继续推行。 　　为了清楚起见，学生文章都加粗了。 　　开头段： 　　Mobile phones and E-mails are increasingly playing 1pivital roles in our daily life in this day and age. Yet at the same time, whether 2letter will disappear has sparked heated debate. As far as I am concerned, 3it is impossible for letters to be replaced. 　　点评：首段格式清楚，略微有模板的印记，但是有拼写错误，语法错误。会让考官觉得是6分或以下的水平。 　　修改： 　　1 pivotal 其他重要：essential, indispensable, vital 　　2 Yet at the same time, whether letters will be replaced by phones and emails has sparked heated debate 　　3 原文impossible太过绝对。Hardly will letters fade out. 　　中间第一段： 　　On the one hand, it is arguable that those high-technology products can bring about numerous benefits. 　　点评：总体句写的不错。 Numerous稍显夸张。 　　To begin with, Undeniably, a phone call, an E-mail can make people closer and make the world smaller. 　　点评： 　　1 两个名词短语之间要有连接词，比如and。 　　2 整个句子表达很中式，不地道。 　　修改：Phones and computers could wipe out /erase geographical barriers. 　　More specifically, they are faster than regular mails. 　　点评：论证和论点没有关系啊，这个论据是说明效率高，而不是在论证手机让世界变得近。 　　修改：More specifically, a student in China, thanks to phone calls, is able to communicate with his friends in other countries, such as Australia and Canada within seconds. 　　Besides, it takes people a great deal of time to write a letter. 　　点评：这一段的论述主题是电话电脑的优点，建议不要绕着写”信”的缺点。 　　修改：Besides, phones may save the public more time compared with traditional letters. 　　Apparently, nowadays, a considerable proportion of people have to work day in and day out to support themselves and even their their family. Undeniably, fast-paced life put great burden on individuals, 1hence, compared with 2letter, a phone call or a E-mail may be less time-consuming and more suitab