作文分段点评-my-classmate-got-ill.docVIP

The?Day?My?Classmate?Fell?Ill?(or?Got?Injured) 提纲： 1.简单叙述一下这位同学生病（或受伤）的情况 2.同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的 3.人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……? ??????例1．?（2分段） One?day,?we?are?all?in?classroom.?Wang?fang?said,?Oh!?We?all?see?her?and?found?that?she?was?crying!?Teacher?turned?to?ask?her?what?was?wrong.?She?said,?I?do?got?a?fever,?my?head?is?very?hot!?Feng?Gang?sent?she?to?hospital,?we?all?followed?they.?In?the?hospital,?doctor?Wang?give?a?inject?to?her,?she?gradually?calm?and?not?hot?as?before.?We?all?thanked?the?doctor. 点评：未能按照题目要求写，没有着重写同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的?人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……。条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有错误，有的甚至影响理解。 原文修改后： One?day,?when?we?were?all?in?classroom.,?Wang?fang?Suddenly?cried,,?Oh!?We?all?looked?at?her?and?found?that?she?was?groaning.?Teacher?turned?to?ask?her?what?was?wrong.?She?said,?I?have?got?a?fever,?my?head?is?very?hot!? Immediately,?our?teacher?sent?her?to?hospital,?and?we?all?followed?them.?In?the?hospital,?we?asked?doctor?Wang?to?give?an?injection?to?her,?and?she?gradually?became?calm?and?not?as?hot?as?before.?We?all?thanked?the?doctor. The?day?has?passed,?but?it?is?clearly?in?my?mind.?I?think?if?we?can?do?things?like?that?in?the?incident,?the?society?will?be?better,?and?the?relationship?between?people?will?be?better?as?well! ??????例2．（5分段） Last?week,?li?ning?and?I?studied?in?classroom.?Suddenly,?lining?said?to?me?that?he?had?a?headache?.I?asked?he?to?see?doctor.?he?said?it?was?not?bad.?After?5?miniuts,?lining?sai?to?me?his?headache?very?serious.?So?I?helped?him?go?to?hosptial.? Students?and?teacher?heard?lining?went?to?hosptial,?all?of?them?went?to?the?hosptial.?Some?teacher?asked?lining?dont?worry,?it?will?be?good?.Some?students?asked?lining?take?care?of?himself.?lining?said?that?he?was?very?moved. Thought?this?things,?I?think?a?lot?.The?world?is?beautiful,?because?the?love?filled?in?it?.people?can?help?each?other?when?who?are?in?trouble.? 点评：本文基本切题。语句衔接不自然，简单句使用得太多，有些表达不太准确，有明显的中文痕迹。要加强衔接词的运用，单复句的转换，句式的多样化，还有语言基本功的训练。 原文修改后： Last?week,?Li?ning?and?I?studied?in?cl