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15、ALL I Remember When my father spoke to me, he always began the conversation with “ Have I told you yet today how much I adore1 you?” The expression of love was reciprocated2 and, in his later years, as his life began to visibly3 ebb4, we grew even closer... 　　At 82 he was ready to die, and I was ready to let him go so that his suffering would end. We laughed and cried and held hands and told each other of our love and agreed that it was time. I said, “ Dad, after you have gone I want a sign from you that you are fine,” He laughed at the absurdity5 of that; Dad didnt believe in reincarnation6. I wasnt positive I did either, but I had had many experiences that convinced7 me I could get some signal “ from the other side” . My father and I were so deeply connected I felt his heart attack in my chest at the moment he died. Later I mourned8 that the hospital, in their sterile9 wisdom10, had not let me hold his hand as he had slipped away11. 　　Day after day I prayed to hear from him, but nothing happened; night after night I asked for a dream before I fell asleep. And yet four long months passed and I heard and felt nothing but grief at his loss. Mother had died five years because of Alzheimers disease12, and, though I had grown daughters of my own, I felt like a lost child. 　　One day, while I was lying on a massage table in a dark quiet room waiting for my appointment, a wave of longing for my father swept over me, and I began to wonder if I had been too demanding in asking for a sign from him. I noticed that my mind was in a hyper acute state. I experienced an unfamiliar clarity in which I could have added long columns of figures in my head. I checked to make sure I was awake and not dreaming, and I saw that I was as far removed from a dreamy state as one could possibly be. Each thought I had was like a drop of water disturbing a still pond, and I marvelled at13 the peacefulness of each passing moment. Then I thought, “ I have been trying to control the messages