道德滑坡现象9【考研1号】作文修改活动之“道德滑坡现象”读者练习.docVIP

考研1号读者在线作文点评与修改 考研英语【考研1号】系列图书为您提供诚挚的服务！更多考研资料获取请登录考研1号网站 【考研1号】作文修改活动之“道德滑坡现象”读者练习 这是考研1号的编辑老师提供给我们广大考生的修改作文的参考。通过部分考生的作文修改，分享给大家，能够让我们在分析研友的作文前提下，认识到自己写作的优势与不足，同时能够更好地扬长避短! 写作原文 As is shown above, in a crowded bus there are four people and only one seat（in a crowded bus后面加“，”或者放到句末）. Sitting on the seat firmly, the rude man ignores the old person, （加the）little girl and even the pregnant women (woman) who stands(主语是the old person…and …, 为复数，为了保持主谓一致，改为stand) around him. It is obvious that he is pretending to be blind and unwilling to offer his seat to anyone. （第一段点评：文章第一段描述图画，优点是使用了独立结构、从句、无灵主语等好的表达方式，长短结合，错落有致。与悠弥北北一样，作者写长句时会忽视前后的主谓一致，这一点应引起注意。） In fact, that kind of moral decline is not uncommon nowadays among the Chinese people. First and foremost, there are fewer citizens than before who are willing to sacrifice their own life to save other people. Furthermore, while some people enjoy a comfortable life, they never think about those who are struggling in utter poverty or try to give them assistance. Last but not least, human beings in modern society are becoming a great deal more indifferent to the suffering of others, yet they don’t even recognize it. （第二段点评：本段的优点是语言流畅自然。需注意：第一句提出that kind of moral decline is not uncommon，“这种现象很常见”，按照语意，后面理所当然的应该是列举类似的现象。但是作者后面所列出的三个方面却是解释现象的原因。因此，在这两者之间缺少一个衔接，来说明“造成现象普遍的原因是由多方面引起的”。此外，作者列举的三个方面，一是“人们不愿牺牲自己”，二是“人们只顾自己享受，不顾及生活在水深火热的贫苦民众”，三是“人们对于别人的苦难很冷漠”——这三点从某种程度上而言都是一个层面的东西。因此，作者需注意逻辑方面的衔接以及内容之间的联系。） It is imperative for us to take drastic measures. It is undoubtedly that people’s behavior of helping others is directly bound up with their moral consciousness, and that this in turn rests upon the efforts of scholars and policymakers of all kinds. In short, they ought to do their utmost to cultivate the awareness of people that giving assistance to those who needs（need）has always been the traditional virtue of Chinese culture. Only in this way can we curb the evil phenomenon revealed in the cartoon. （第三段点评：本段写得非常好，不仅语言流畅，衔