Why we love who we love 原文.doc

Have you ever known a married couple that just didnt seem as though they should fit together -- yet they are both happy in the marriage, and you cant figure out why? I know of one couple: He is a burly ex-athlete who, in addition to being a successful salesman, coaches Little League, is active in his Rotary Club and plays golf every Saturday with friends. Meanwhile, his wife is petite, quiet and a complete Homebody. She doesnt even like to go out to dinner. What mysterious force drives us into the arms of one person, while pushing us away from another who might appear equally desirable to any unbiased observer? Of the many factors influencing our idea of the perfect mate, one of the most telling, according to John Money, professor emeritus of medical psychology and pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University, is what he calls our love map -- a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye color, in voice, smell, and body build. It also records the kind of personality that appeals to us, whether its the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type. In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our love map. And this love map is largely determined in childhood. By age eight, the pattern for our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains. When I lecture, I often ask couples in the audience what drew them to their dates or mates. Answers range from Shes strong and independent and I go for redheads to I love his sense of humor and That crooked smile, thats what did it. Robert Winch, a longtime sociology professor at Northwestern University, stated in his research that our choice of a marriage partner involves a number of social similarities. But he also maintained that we look for someone with complementary needs. A talker is attracted to someone who likes to listen, or an aggressive personality may seek out a more passive partner. However, there are instances w