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101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]
Monica: Theres nothing to tell! Hes just some guy I work with!
Joey: Cmon, youre going out with the guy! Theres gotta be something wrong with him!
Chandler: All right Joey, be nice.? So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?
(They all stare, bemused.)
Phoebe: Just, cause, I dont want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. Its just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
[Time Lapse]
Chandler: Alright, so Im back in high school, Im standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.
All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize theres a phone... there.
Joey: Instead of...?
Chandler: Thats right.
Joey: Never had that dream.
Phoebe: No.
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I dont know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.
Monica: And they werent looking at you before?!
Chandler: Finally, I figure Id better answer it, and it turns out its my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!
[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]
Ross: (mortified) Hi.
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...
Chandler: Cookie?
Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.
Joey: Ohh.
Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.
Ross: Thanks.
Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)
Ross: No, no dont! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine!? Be murky!
Ross: Ill be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope shell be very happy.
Monica: No you dont.
Ross:
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